Keeping his bride

Selina

I PACE MY bedroom floor. For some reason, the entire movie night with Nico felt awkward. I’m not sure if he felt it too, but I desperately want to know. I need to make sure I didn’t do anything to offend him or make him feel uncomfortable.

Before I can change my mind, I leave my room and make my way down the hall. I timidly knock on Nico’s door and wait. I stand in my pajamas, nervously shifting from foot to foot, but he doesn’t answer. Maybe he’s in bed already?

Gnawing nervously on my lip, I put my hand on the doorknob and turn, carefully pushing the door open. A lamp illuminates the room, and I see that he’s not in bed.

Water running from the en-suite bathroom catches my attention, and so my feet pad across the hardwood floors to the door that’s ajar. The water is louder now, and I can tell that he’s showering instead of just washing his hands, like I first thought.

I tell myself to walk away, to not look, but it’s almost like

I can’t help myself. Instead, I step into the space where the

door is open and peer into the spacious bathroom. Inside the walk-in shower, which is made up of tall glass, I see Nico. His naked body is dripping wet from the water raining down upon him. My heart begins to beat faster at the sight of him – his muscles and abs on full display. My eyes lower to where his hand is fisting his cock. It’s thick, long and hard, perfect, just like him.

He slaps a hand against the wet tile and groans out, “Lina.”

Oh my god, he’s thinking about me while he’s getting off. Long streams of cum erupt from his cock, and I can’t help the gasp of surprise coming from my lips. It must have been louder than I thought because next thing I know, Nico’s eyes are meeting mine. We stare at each other, and I can see the surprise and confusion lacing his handsome face before he’s saying my name again.

I’m not even conscious of my next move; I just know I have to get the hell out of there. I was caught watching him. I’m embarrassed more than anything, but also…turned on. I don’t stop running until I’m safe inside my room with the door closed. With my back against the wood, my right hand covers my heart that’s threatening to beat out of my chest.

My fingers clench and unclench, and then they involuntarily move on their own accord down my body and under my pajama bottoms. Biting my lip, I slip my fingers into my panties and rub my already wet slit. It feels so wrong, but so damn good. I close my eyes and picture Nico in the shower just as I saw him – wet and hard, stroking his cock and calling out my name.

I get close to the edge in no time, but I can’t seem to cross that fine line of the edge. Gritting my teeth, the bad thoughts start assaulting me left and right, and I can

almost hear Constantine’s voice in my ear…

“Don’t you dare come, little pet.”

Trembling, my eyes snap open, almost expecting to see him standing before me. I’m terrified of pleasure, because with pleasure always comes pain. My body has been conditioned to accept that, and I fight it until I can’t fight it any longer. My fingers eventually stop trying, and I know I’ve already checked out mentally. That moment full of lust is gone with no relief in sight.

Blowing out a frustrated breath, I pull my hand from my panties as tears fill my eyes. I feel embarrassed. Dirty. It was wrong what I did. And I can’t stop the tears from falling or the sobs that follow, wracking my body as I collapse to the floor. Pulling my knees up to my chest, I curl into a ball on the floor and give over to my emotions.

A knock is at my door, and my spine goes rigid. “Lina,” I hear Nico’s deep, gentle voice call from beyond the door.

I can’t face him right now. Not in this state that I’m in. So I leave his pleas unanswered, and I go to bed to face my demons alone.

The psychiatrist clears her throat. I snap out of my daydream and force myself to meet her eyes. “Sorry,” I mutter under my breath.

“Where were you just now?” Dr. Graham asks.

“I was just thinking,” I admit. And if the doc was talking just now, I didn’t hear a word of what she just said.

“Can I ask what you were thinking about?”

My cheeks instantly warm at the question. I’m curled up in the leather chair by the window, and I pull my knees closer to my chest. “I was thinking about…Nico,” I tell her, my voice barely above a whisper. I don’t want to open up to her, by any means, but I desperately need someone to talk to about everything that happened.

Dr. Graham seems pleased by my answer. She’s probably thrilled that we’re actually making some progress for once instead of me shutting down and refusing to answer her questions. “Were you thinking about something in particular? A memory or something more recent perhaps?” she asks.Belongs to (N)ôvel/Drama.Org.

“Something that happened last night,” I confess. God, I’ve been ignoring Nico since it happened. When he came to my door after I caught him, I couldn’t even face him. I felt like the world’s biggest jerk for turning him away, but I was too embarrassed to confront him about what happened. And also a big part of me was worried that I would give in and do something stupid like kiss him or… more. I even refused to go downstairs for breakfast where we’ve been eating together every morning for the past few days, making me feel even worse about everything.

“And what happened last night, Selina?” she presses. “Nico and I watched a movie together in his room.” “That sounds like fun,” she says with a sincere smile.

“Did anything else happen besides the movie?”

“No. I mean yes.”

“You don’t sound so sure,” she says gently. Her voice is so soothing and controlled. No wonder she got into this profession. Sometimes I feel like I could tell her anything, and there are times when I do tell her some things. A lot more than I’ve ever told anyone.

“I went back to Nico’s room to talk to him after the movie, but he was…” My voice trails off. “I saw Nico…in the shower.” I bury my face against my knees, trying desperately to hide my face, which I’m sure is red as a beet right now. I’m still embarrassed over the whole thing. But even more so…I’m still aroused.

“Do you want to talk about it?” she asks while pushing her red glasses up the bridge of her nose.

I’m tempted to tell her no, but in a way, I do want to talk about it. I want to know if what I felt is normal. I have no idea what normal is anymore. “He was…touching himself. And I couldn’t look away. I watched him.” Closing my eyes, I admit, “He called out my name when he came.”

After a brief hesitation, she finally asks, “And how did that make you feel?”

I open my eyes and stare out the window once again. “It…it turned me on,” I confess, feeling absolutely horrible as soon as the words come out of my mouth.

“Well, that’s a normal reaction, Selina,” Dr. Graham assures me. “I can tell by the look on your face that you don’t agree with that, though.”

“It’s wrong,” I say adamantly, and I don’t know who I’m trying to convince more – the doctor or myself.

“Why is it wrong?”

“I shouldn’t be thinking that way about him.” “And why not?” she prompts.

“Because he…because he’s Nico!” I exclaim, not even understanding my own answer.

“Because he’s your friend, and you don’t want him to be more than your friend?” she suggests.

“Yeah, I guess,” I tell her, but that doesn’t sound right to me. Nico is my friend, but I think we deeply loved each other when we were kids; before we even knew what love really was. But so much has changed since then. I could never expect him to want me the same as he once did.

“Are you attracted to him?” she asks.

“Yes,” I answer without hesitation. “Nico is beautiful, inside and out. He’s…perfect. And I…” I stop from voicing my negative thoughts out loud.

“And you’re what, Selina?” After a long hesitation when I don’t answer her, Dr. Graham asks again, “You’re what, Selina?” she prompts.

“I’m anything but perfect. I’m broken. I’m used up,” I blurt out with tears quickly filling my eyes and spilling out over my blazing hot cheeks. I’m not used to talking about

my fe lings at all. No one has ever cared enough in the past ten years to ask how I felt about anything.

“You’re not any of those things, Selina,” Dr. Graham assures me. “Remember that negative thoughts don’t help us cope with real problems. They only tear us apart instead of healing, which is what we really need.” She makes a few notes before saying, “Tell me how you’re feeling right now,

Selina. Use your words.”

“I feel embarrassed. I feel stupid,” I grit out while angrily wiping away my tears. God, I haven’t cried this much in years. And all of a sudden, I get here, and the floodgates are always opening. Maybe it’s because deep down I know I won’t get punished for showing emotion, for crying.

“Don’t feel embarrassed or stupid. Anything you say here stays between us. Think of me like your own diary, but in human form. You can talk to me about anything, and your words will be locked away just like in a journal for your eyes only.”

I nod, trying to absorb her words. I’ve never opened up to anyone in my entire life before…well, except for Nico. He knew the real me, but that was back then when I wasn’t so messed up. Hell, I was messed up even back then, but not as fucked up as I eventually became after being sold to Constantine.

“Everything you feel is normal, Selina. You know that, right? Nothing you feel is wrong. I promise,” she ensures me.

I nod in agreement even though I’m not sure I completely believe that. “After I left his bathroom, I went back to my room and…touched myself.” My neck and cheeks warm again. I don’t know why this is so difficult to talk about. I’m sure a lot of people talk openly about sex, especially with doctors.

“Did you enjoy yourself?”

“I couldn’t…” I shake my head, not being able to voice the embarrassing words out loud.

Dr. Graham clears her throat. “You had mentioned before that you were never allowed to enjoy yourself during sexual encounters with your captor.”

I squeeze my eyes shut. I can still hear Constantine’s words while he forced me to have sex with one of his friends.

Don’t come. Don’t you dare come, you little whore! If you come for him, I will beat you until you’re dead!

“Selina! Selina!” Dr. Graham calls out to me, but it sounds like her voice is a million miles away right now.

I open my eyes and stare up at her in confusion. At some point, I must have climbed out of my chair and huddled into the corner of the room.

“It’s okay, Selina.” She offers me her hand, but I refuse to take it. “No one is going to hurt you here,” she tells me. It’s the same thing she always tells me, but I’ve been told that before, and look what happened – my mother sold me for the second time and I was ripped away from this happy home.

Suddenly, pure and undiluted panic violently rips through me as my body begins to tremble uncontrollably. I quickly wrap my arms tightly around my knees and curl up into a fetal position on the floor. I lay there for what feels like an eternity with my eyes closed, blocking out everything else in the world and sobbing in the darkness until I hear Nico’s deep voice calling for me.

My eyes slowly open, and the moment I see Nico on his knees beside me, I suddenly crawl to him and thrust myself into his open arms. He holds me tightly, rubbing his hand up and down my back while whispering soothing things into my ear.

“Don’t let me go,” I whisper to him frantically, my entire body shaking with fear.

“N ver,” he promises. And that one word makes me feel infinitely better all at once. It makes me finally feel safe.